Sikaman Awards 2017
Compiled by Nana Awere Damoah
Contributors: H Kwasi Prempeh, G.R. Kwadjo Opoku, Yaa Frimpomaa Ayim Apeatse
1. Loss of the Year: The death of Major Mahama. His gruesome death is a scar on the nation’s conscience. May it cause us to reflect more on our nature as Ghanaians and our love for our fellow man. Never again! The death of Professor Francis K A Allotey is equally painful. A legend! One of the world’s leading mathematical physicists. May their souls rest in peace.
2. Most Favoured Hooligans of the Year: Jointly won by Delta Force, Invisible Forces, Azorka Boys, Kandahar Boys and associated vigilante lions.
They have been very active and contributed to the negative entropy in the country. They have seized toilets, seized constituency party offices, seized party officers, seized national party offices, burnt party offices, chased district chief executives out of their offices, stormed court premises, turned into pseudo-armies and continue to enjoy political support.
3. Footballer of the Year: Uncle Woyo Meh. Continues to dribble around many hurdles and courts and refuses to drop the 51-million ball.
4. Most Silent Politician: The Honorable Lord Mayor Unko Dr Tsentse ABS. He’s been quietly learning the braids, sorry, ropes in Parliament and will explode again with a dance, soon.
5. Culinary Event of the Year: When Bastie ate Banku for dinner, massaging Banku like jiji, forcing Banku to face the wall. Banku will bounce back, for sure. This was just a little okro slip.
6. Census Enumeration Officer of the Year: Wofa Eye See. He recounted Ghanaians and successfully segregated the citizens into two categories: those with the preferred political identification cards and those without. For this feat, he was awarded the nation’s highest political honour: The Order of the Calabash.
7. Most Efficient Party of the Year: NDP. Once the 2016 elections were over, they went – back – on leave. They will be back in 2020. By the way, who is the Chairperson of the party?
8. The Most Silent Public Official: The Accra Mayor aka AMA Chief Executive. The successor to Uncle Oko Rick Ross. After pulling down the billboard proclaiming Accra as the “Proposed Cleanest City” (is it in Africa or the world), he joined the Secret Service. Errm, what’s his name? If only the billboard had stayed…
9. The Most Active Ministries: Sanitation and Special Development Initiatives. They were so active we saw their achievements on paper, just the way we like it in Sikaman.
10. U-Turn of the Year: Towing tax that was towed to rest.
11. Significant Number of the Year: Zero. It decides the viability of websites.
12. Apology of the Year: This is a tight race between the one given by Agari and the one delivered by Wofa Aye See. Agari apologised after he said Munchinga said yesi JoeWise says yesi Egya Arko gave JoeWise the lubricating oil to give to Munchinga to give to Agari and his friends so they could keep wide open the narrow gates so Egya Arko could pass on to the glory of the chosen few. The konumtee found Agari guilty of not being guilty and when he was asked to apologise, he said ‘If you say I should apologise, okay, I apologise!’ As for Wofa Aye See, after saying NPP-nians are more Sikamanian than the rest of us, he sii’ed peg and said he was standing by his words. Less than 24 hours later, he apologised that the peg he siii’ed wasn’t held by Pioneer Nails so was not that strong. Interesting issue with both Apologisees (apologies to Opanyin Agyekum) is that their signatures are quite errrrm…revealing. Perhaps Signatures of the Year?
13. Ornament of the Year: Anklet
14. Book of the Year (unpublished): The Kwasi Botchwey Report. Every publisher in the world is after it.
15. Writer of the Year: Valerie, the owner of the Chainsaw. She finally managed to overthrow the Citizen Vigilante.
16. IT Project of the Year: Referred to by many as a software, the $72 million SSNIT enterprise solution project wins this hands down. And, yes, the system is even down – not working as expected. Once it starts working optimally, we shall finally know the actual cost. What a project – one that continues giving and receiving.
17. Word of the Year: Distin (noun). It has various forms too. For instance, the verb is distinate. Adjective: distin (Ah! What a distin car!). You can continue the conjugation!
18. Most Used Word of the Year: Vigilantes.
19. Doctor of the Year: The SSNIT Doctor. He reminded me of the down-trodden man, the Sheik. Floods, certificates, komininis…you get the drift.
20. Ambassador of the Year: Wofa Aye See, High Commissioner to the land of Jay Zee, the Zumite. South of the Limpopo.
21. Had-I-Known Practitioner of the Year: I won’t mention any names. You can’t do me foko!
22. Kumawood Movie of the Year: The General Mosquito Quenches Armed Robbers Part Onnnne and Two. The encounter between the Mosquito and the Armed Robbers. At the sight of the 6-pack of the Mosquito, the robbers fled for their lives! We are still not certain whether the story is fiction or true-life.
23. Building of the Year: The Mahama Bungalow, and the Vice-President’s mansion (still?) under the construction, and the ‘1975’, which just took a comfortable lead. This award is tight. Who wears the crown?
24. Haircut of the Year: The Otiko.
25. Debt of the Year: The US Embassy announced that it owed Electricity Company of Ghana (ECG) plenty money and it has been pursuing the Electricity Company of Ghana (ECG) for two years to secure and pay bills for power consumed within the period. ECG insisted that the US Embassy didn’t owe a pesewa. Oh, how I wish all those I owe would have such blank memories!
26. Assertive Clause of the Year: “Take it or leave it!”
27. Fight of the Year: Amongst the Electoral Commissioners. Is it over yet?
28. Clapback of the Year: Nana Kwame’s response to Manasseh Awuni Azure.
29. Rant of the Year: Paul Adom-Otchere on Good Evening. His tirade helped to keep the standards of The Brand.
30. Most Silent Chief: You paaa? Abi you know dada.
31. New Group of the Year: PepperDemMinistries. They have managed to excite and vex in equal measure. That is the purpose of spice, abi?
32. Shifting Target of the Year: The establishment of the Office of the Special Prosecutor.
33. Unclear Political Promise of the Year: One District, One Factory. Does it imply that we shall get a factory in each district or the government would build the factories or they would only facilitate the enabling environment for the factories to be built? How do we judge achievement? By the way, ten months into the new administration, how many factories have been established and/or running? Remember Komenda.
34. Jail Breaker of the Year: The Ghana Cedi. The Vice President said “the cedi has appreciated in value. When we came in, it was running…essentially we have arrested it.” As the year progressed, Cediman escaped from jail and started running again. Seems it has slowed down the speed for sometime, though. Trotting.
35. Security Company of the Year: NDC. For successfully guarding the Kwesi Botchwey Report.
36. Diplomatic Announcement of the Year: Two of them, happened almost days apart. The announcement by the US Embassy that former Presidents and Members of Parliament (MP) win now join the queue like ordinary Ghanaians when applying for US visas for their private visits; and the letter by the UK High Commissioner to the Speaker of Parliament announcing that the British government had blacklisted three current serving Members of Parliament (MP) and a former MP from entering the UK for indulging in visa fraud. According to Citi FM, “a confidential letter the British High Commission in Ghana wrote to the Speaker of Parliament, Prof. Aaron Mike Oquaye and sighted by citifmonline.com accused the MPs of facilitating the entry of some of their relatives to the UK using their Diplomatic Passports.”
37. Future TV viewers of World Cup of the Year: The Black Stars. We will all watch Russia 2018 from the comfort of our homes. No special kenkey. No special flights with ‘dollahs’. No co-efficients.
38. Video of the Year: President Nana Addo’s response at the media engagement with President Macron and his answer to the question of more French aid to Africa. The video trended across the globe and is still causing waves. Honourable mention goes to the engagement between Oko Tsentsen and Papa J before the inauguration of President Nana Addo.
39. Facebook Pages for Trending Discussions (these accounts set up series of special topics for discussion and garnered a lot of following): Mamavi Goh, Abena Magis, Mbir, Francis Ocloo.
40. Hashtag of the Year: Very close contest between between #PepperDemMinistries and #Justice4Her.
#StopGalamseyNow gets honourable mention.
41. Chief Mischief Officer: Francis Obirikorang.
42. Facebooker of the Year (Male): Sir Awareness General Francis Kennedy Ocloo (MHLL, CGAA, BoF, FoF, OGF1)
43. Facebooker of the Year (Female): Abena Magis