​Sebiticals Chapter 31: Sikaman Biegyarithms

In the fourth year after the old Odekuro Asomdwehene Obenefo Yohani Atta Nikanika died, there arose three men from the land of Montie who came shouting in the wilderness: “Make way for the Son of Drahama, Odekuro Okasafo Yohani Mahani Nikaboka, he who has been anointed to rule in the affairs of the land with yentie-obianic vim!” 
And all the men and women and animals of the air, sea and land asked, “From whence cometh these folks who speaketh forth with vitriolic fervour?”
When the cries of the people reached the ears of Odekuro, he nodded and said the people needed elevation to see the source of the fervour that had taken hold of the Men of Montie.  
When the Men of Montie did the ultimate biegya and took the judges of the Supreme Council of the Ahenfie Court to the laundry behind Obaapanyin Potisaa’s house, washing them clean and hanging them out to dry, and when summoned to the Council and asked to go sleep some time in the stool room to reflect on their utterances, Odekuro went to the room under the cover of darkness and opened the door, releasing them to go, with the admonishment, “Go and biegya no more on the Council, but toaso on all others”.
As they stepped out of the stool room, Amakye the town crier followed them with his afekyirewaa, singing Yentie Obiaa. 
Imbued with such royal encouragement, the Men of Montie proceeded to biegya, with all buccal cavities at full blast.
But trust Wofa Kapokyikyi, the life patron of Liberty Fan Club, whose motto toasonically remains yɛ bu didi and whose bitters is fortified with the choicest roots of Sikaman, to get to the root of the matter. He told me that the source of the montienic fervour was political akpeteshie.
From my elementary chemistry as taught by Teacher Johnson, the fuse from political akpeteshie exhibits both diffusive and osmotic tendencies, flowing from an area of high concentration to that of low concentration and also permeating all spheres of the society.
Soon, this fervour found its way to royal rooms and, in a weird chain reaction that managed to defy the Vander Waals theorem, this fervour reacted with the gbeshinic catalyst and found not a few royal victims.
Come and see biegya paa from high places.
And so it came to pass that the custodians of our tradition decided to indulge in binge drinking of this political apio. One chief, who speaks with a similar tongue as we do in Wasa, used bɛn kɔdi bɛn tɔn to express his wish to become a serial caller just to show how Odekuro has so transform Sikaman that his lineage should rule forever. And the people of the Dorma said “Omanhene, kasa!” With such loud encomiums, this chief proceeded to say that if he lost that argument as a serial caller, Nananom should have a say about his stool. But Nana was sly, he spoke in sebi-pothetical terms. 
Many more chiefs spoke for and against Odekuro. It was a free-for-all royal biegyanisation. Political akpeteshie flowed on the land, and across it, ubiquitous like the Pra and the Volta in its reach.
But the biegyaest of all was the Omanhene of Gbese who got overtaken by all the seven spirits of gbeshie and proclaimed that ɛbaa yi shie if Naa Toshie’s friend ever gets a stool! Come and see clapping! “Twaa! Twaa! Omanye aba!” the people cried.
It has been said that when Nii saw the word “biegya” which means “open fire” in Twi, the Ga word for fire, which is “la”, ekikied him and made him to “la lala” (sing a song).
Odekuro heard the song and was pleased. 
So it came to pass when it had all passed that Naa Toshie’s friend took the real commanding lead and cruised to victory.
The constitution of the Sikaman enjoins the chiefs to stay out of drinking political akpeteshie but, this year, they decided that the cup that was used to serve Takyi should deservedly be extended to Baah. Afterall, man resembles nothing. They decided that being called fathers of their states amounted to little if they couldn’t sip small for the stomach’s sake. They decided that the tradition of a chief not eating in public was antediluvian.
Kɛhini is a big ant with a super-foul smell. When your name is Kɛhini, you don’t enter the fray when there is a search for the person who just broke wind.
It turned out that Nii Ayi is of the Kɛhinic order. His stool is a stool under stress – being pulled in two directions. With his promise to step down, the other party found its voice. And now as well, Wofa Kapokyikyi has polished up his little Ga Mashie vocabulary and is telling Nii Ayi, “Nii, tɛɛshie”.
A few days ago, Nii Ayi’s supporters came out of the Ahenfie to tell us that we don’t understand royal speak. And that Nii spoke in proverbs. I used to think that it was only the politicians that thought citizens of Sikaman have apeprensa in place of grey matter. I have been educated. I was wrong.
The attempted proverbilisation of this plain mayishinated statement by Nii reminded me of the Baba-Jamalian prescription. According to the world-famous Baba-Jamalian principle, when in a position of power, when you see a sheep, it is most appropriate to call it a cow. Afterall, all paintey be paintey. 
Meanwhile, we continue to wait for what next adesa would ensue from Adesa We. Ta wɔ adesa, Mensah, ta wɔ adesa. 
Wofa Kapokyikyi once told me that when an elder loses respect, even his public fart elicits no response. I still hope to not to be fart-neutral where some of our chiefs are concerned. 
I hope the Nii Ayi Bonte issue teaches our venerable chiefs to desist from binge-boozing on political akpeteshie. We want to still respect them.
May we never again reach that low montie point. It was the ultimate Yentie Obiaa moment and that is the enduring legacy in my mind with respect to Odekuro.
Till I come your way again with another sebitical, I remain:
Sebitically yours,



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