Old School Nsempiisms

(Contributions by Kweku Opare-Djan, Prosper Afuti, AR Zakari)
Why waste time fighting on social media when you can meet at the school park and settle it?
Why waste airtime and data when you can stand behind her window and whistle or throw a pebble at the window?
Why take her to a pizza spot when you can buy kelewele and groundnuts and spend hours walking and throwing groundnuts into your mouth to tackle the kelewele?
Why waste money on clothing and footwear from boutiques when you can do first selection at Kanta?
Why dispose of your old notebooks and wrong work sheets when you can give them to the aburo ni nkatiɛ seller in exchange for some local popcorn?
Why hide behind shyness and fail to approach that lady you fancy when you can use a betweener?
Why buy pizza when it is practically tea bread and some stew – mushroom, meat etc?
Why bother to iron your school uniform after an exciting Captain Planet viewing session on Sunday night when you can fold it neatly and place it under your pillow for the generous ironing gods to do their straightening magic on the creases whilst you doze off and snore loudly like a gelded boar?
Why send her a WhatsApp message when you can write her a letter on scented paper and deliver it to her via your kid brother?
Why get a menthos to freshen your breath when you can easily do that with aburo ni nkatiɛ?
Why bother with super expensive designer mouth spray/wash when you can derive same fresh breath by chewing sand-fried aburo ni nkatiɛ?
Why waste money on fried rice and shito when you can cook angwa mo fortified with tolo beef, accompanied by pepper with Titus providing backing vocals?
Why buy her dinner at Novotel when you could get her yummy meat pie at Ebony?
Why drive all the way to Silverbird when you could go watch cine at Orion?
Why import car batteries when you can get some at the Ganiva Battery Centre?
Why get another prophet when you can consult Apraku, God’s own daughter?
Why fear kakai when you have even survived Lady High Heels in boarding house?
Why fear anything when you have survived eaten gari and beans without water nearby and miscalculated the swallowing process?
Why worry about horse meat when you have eaten PAMSCAD luncheon meat?
Why fear heartburn when you have survived eating gas oil soup in secondary school?
Why fear farting when you have survived the eating of dinat powdered milk in secondary school?
Why worry about time wasted at the clinic for weighing when you can get tom brown and dinat powdered milk for free after the weighing, to balance your food supplies?
Why complain about the softness of your laundry soap when you even used Don’t Touch Me with skill?
Why call it Chibom when the Gey Hey ladies allegedly call it Eggies Brodos?
Why waste money on tilapia when you could get Ewurefua for cheaper?
Why ride in OSA when you can take King of Kings Auntie Dede bus aka manko ta manko nɔ?
Why listen to me when I am just an old duade reminiscing about years gone by?
**Join Kofi Akpabli, Alba Sumprim and I in Kumasi on 24th Sept at the Kumapley Auditorium, College of Engineering, for the book reading dubbed Romancing Oseikrom Sebitically. Come, and do bring a friend!
Luncheon meat

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